Stability

What I’m looking for in my life right now is stability. I want to wake up and know that I have people I can count on, things to look forward to and places that I have to be. It could be very possible that this is just the insecure teenage girl coming out in me, but I feel like as soon as things are great, they change. Like that stupid old saying, what goes up must come down… kinda.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve wished I could go back to a certain moment, a time when everything was good and I was content. Let me let you in on a little secret, everything looks good when you’re looking at it from far away. If I was to really look back, I would realise that I probably had the same levels of anxiety and discomfort that I do now. Where I am may seem so much worse, but I just have to keep reminding myself that it does get better, because it does. What I get so sad about is the fact that I feel like I’m not stable, I’m not reliable and that’s all I want to be, reliable. I want to be that girl that people can count on to cheer them up, someone who passes no unnecessary judgement and one who they can always count on. I often feel as though I’m loosing people, I may be holding on too tightly or not holding on enough… I can’t seem to strike a balance. While I hate to be that girl who openly seeks acceptance in others, thats what I seem to end up doing. There was this one day back in October where I just woke up and something clicked. It was the best day I had had since university started, I went to all my classes, felt confident and felt like everything I said had so much meaning. Every word I spoke was carefully chosen and I wasn’t nervous, I was myself and felt amazing. How confusing huh? Somehow I need to find my way back to that; tomorrow I’m starting my workout regime again, and sticking to it. No more flaky-ass shit!

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